my one-two punch

Don’t judge me. When I sneeze I just have to look. In the tissue.

And don’t judge me. My spirit move is “No Reservations”. All Breslin, all the time.

retirement, all i ever wanted

don’t you dare fucking judge me, bitches. here’s the deal. my spirit movie, in the words of kat from that great previous season of weeds, is “boyton beach club.” that’s right! i love to watch diane cannon and other fogierellas rock the boca hardcore! i mean, why do i gotta work so much?  why can’t i retire down there and date friendly insect guys with big pot bellies? i want some dude who was married for so long to one woman that one night with me would give him a heart attack–and me, the 3 mil he’s got stored since he inherited his dad’s house in south jersey. look it up on imdb. boynton. that’s the one. sigh…

drip, drip, drip

Don’t judge, ok? I know it’s bad for the environment, and probably terrible karma. But I hate my downstairs neighbors and purposely do not get my leaky bathtub fixed because I know the drip, drip, drip drives them fuckin’ batshit. I also secretly hope that the old lady who has mothered the two adult drug addicts that live with them passes away soon so the kids will be kicked out. Seems like she’s already in a lot of pain, how bad am I?

let us pray

Don’t Judge Me. I don’t believe in God and don’t like organized religion. Nor do I have a job I need to escape from. But I crash progressive Rosh Hashanah services because I’m lonely. I’m also Indian.

cinema eats

don’t judge me for the two hotdogs, dibs crunch, coke, and large popcorn you see me carrying through the arclight. yes, it’s all for me, mofos. i eat dinner at the movies.

inauguration and rules

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don’t judge me. i just created an anonymous confession blog called “don’t judge me.” there, i said it again. so don’t. judge. me.

but do:

1) submit your thoughts on the matter to the e-mail address listed above and wait to see them online, sans bylines, along with others’ gripes about all the egregious judgment we gotta stomach!

and

2) tell your friends to submit. they will be cool if they do. cool and cleansed and catharticized. yes, i just made that word up. so don’t — now you’re getting it — JUDGE ME.

[Note: Submissions are reviewed and may not appear on the same day. Please check back. Shitty editorial judgment never considered.]

[dontjudge.wordpress.com reserves the right to publish your rages against judgment. We also reserve the right to make use of and edit submissions as standard procedure. When you email dntjudgme@gmail.com, you grant the right to a royalty free, irrevocable, sub-licensable, exclusive right to use, reproduce, modify, translate, publish, create derivative works from, distribute, display, perform, and delete such content in other pieces of work in any form, media or tech now known or hereafter developed. producers union, eat your heart out.]

[hate the bullshit we just had to publish above this? do us a favor. don’t judge. we are the good ones just like you. trust in the hatred of judgment. it will set you free. and render you fancy.]